Breaking up is hard to do…even with your friends.

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As we all know, our friends can be just as important to us as our family…and a lot of the time they ARE family!!! I can say that, for women, when we find great girlfriends that we can trust and love it’s like hitting the jackpot. Unfortunately, when things go wrong it is like a horrible breakup. That horrible, gut wrenching feeling comes over you and you go through a terrible mourning period. It is like the love of your life had just left you and that they are no longer in love with you. You ache for a long time and you sadly reminisce over the great times and over analyze what went wrong and why it had to be this way.

About 3 years ago I met a group of girlfriends at my new job. My usual practice is not to get to personal with coworkers. I normally would find 1-2 people who I do become good friends with and everyone else I am simply friendly with. Living in South Florida, it is quite difficult to find good girlfriends. So, when I met these girls I felt so relieved. We were quite diverse, some younger than others, married, single, one had a long-distance boyfriend and of course I had been living with my boyfriend (now husband). Needless to say, I became very close to these girls and some more than others. We shared almost everything: our pasts, our current events (good and bad) and our hopes for the future. Several happy hours, brunches and dinners came out of these friendships. Not the entire group would always get together all the time as we still lead very separate lives. But, I maintained my ongoing friendship with everyone, always happy to be with them, to be there for them when I was needed as a group or as a trusted individual. I can say, for the most part they did the same.

I guess the sad story started before most of us even knew it. One of us (now known as Ms. N) had decided to move back home to New York with her husband. This move back home was apparently so crucial she couldn’t make her duties as bridesmaid at one of our friend’s (now known as Ms. A) wedding. But, about 4 months later, it was apparent she had moved back and had not told us. As most of us were not as close to her we dismissed it as nothing unusual and did not think twice about it. A couple of months after that, I went to happy hour with one of the ladies (now known as Ms. C) and she tells me that three of them had lunch with Ms. N and discloses a very personal story about Ms. N’s husband having a meltdown and leaving her and the worst part is that he is now living with another woman. A few days later I had lunch with Ms. N and she told me all the sad details, not knowing Ms. C already had told me. She told me after her mother-in-law passed away he snapped. There were nights he didn’t come home, he was drinking too much and doing drugs. To make matters worse, there was at least one night she got out of bed, drove to a bar in her pajamas and slapped him in the face as this other woman was sitting on his lap. Finally one day, he left her and moved in with the other woman. That was when she decided to go home to New York…alone. After that day, I was there for her. I had gone through some tough times with my ex and knew she needed someone who would not judge the situation. There would be evenings that my husband and I would be having dinner or just relaxing at home and she would call me needing to talk…and I would drop everything and drive over to wherever she wanted to meet. My idea of friendships have been from the great experience I’ve had from my best friends from back at home, and I am all to happy to create the same with others.

Fast forward, about a year ago my husband and I had some major problems. We were in a very dark place, me getting ferocious and mean and him with a little stray in his eye. I told the ladies of our problems but it was Ms. N and another lady of the group (now known as Ms. M) that I told the crucial details to. Ms. C did not get all the details but she knew of other “problems”. Ms. A knew very little but had some small details. I will admit after these problems were laid out on the table, I changed. I did not go to happy hour as often as I did, I did not drink as much as I used to and I spent more time with him. These changes were due to our decision to work things out and he admittedly did not like my “habits”. So, I stopped going to as many happy hours and respectfully told my husband in advance of my get-togethers with the ladies(because I certainly wasn’t before). Of course, Ms. C was the most verbal of her opinions and she is the youngest, least experienced and definitely least independent of the group…she was also the most judgmental and gossipy of the group (as you may recall she told me of Ms. N’s story when she wasn’t suppose to). Ms. N was definitely a listener but completely lost after the divorce and started to get closer to Ms. C…put one gossipy girl and one vulnerable girl together and you get a disastrous pair. Then, there is Ms. A who was always a good friend and good listener but happened to be super close to Ms. N and unfortunately is completely lost even as a married woman of her own independency and strength, so she chooses to be a “follower”. Ms. M, no complaints, she is a true friend still is and always will be; she listened, told her opinion and supports me no matter what.

As the months passed, I noticed the get-togethers with Ms. C and Ms. N were getting uncomfortable (side note: Ms. A and Ms. M are married and did not go out with us as much). We all know that when girls get together they sometimes gossip about someone in their own group. I personally started to get uncomfortable, specifically when they bad-mouthed about Ms. A and how she doesn’t drive and how her husband controls her and the worst part was when Ms. N told me how much she basically hates Ms. A’s husband, so thank god she WASN’T a bridesmaid at their wedding…ha! Anyway, the list goes on and on. Meanwhile, these gatherings involved a lot of harsh opinions, eventually becoming attacks. Ms. C, who didn’t know much, felt that my husband was not good enough because he was not making enough money. Then there is Ms. N that I believe was comparing my situation to hers.
*On a short history of Ms. C, she comes from a well-off family, that sent her to a private European University, came back to the states to live with her parents, had a long-distance boyfriend. The long distance boyfriend didn’t work out so she found another boyfriend, literally one week after. But she will say she was single for 2 months since they didn’t make it official until then. Although, the week they met they made the decision not to date anyone but each other (doesn’t that mean you are together then?). He was closer to home a manager to a pizza joint and moved in with him at his place (sorry to sound a bit opinionated myself) and she LOVES to GLORIFY him for his job, as if his job tops all of ours.*

Now leading up to five-six months ago, my communications with Ms. C and Ms. N had basically come to a halt. They were not texting me, or calling me, or inviting me out as much. Frankly, it started getting uncomfortable when any effort was made on their part or my part, sometimes a bit forced. Ms. A was still making an effort and we still had a pretty strong friendship. Then, it was announced that we were getting married. That is when Ms. C and Ms. N really started getting together without me and Ms. A was not as communicative with me (although there was still hope) and I was trying to include her with my wedding plans by asking her advice. It was hurtful of course, I really missed my friends. I dismissed everything as just a temporary disagreement and strangely social media came in to play and I felt, if they haven’t unfriended me from Facebook, then they must still want to be friends.

I am happy to say, May 28, 2013, I got married!!! It was a great wedding in Las Vegas. Despite our decision not to have a traditional wedding, it was still very sad not to have these girls celebrate with me when I was planning and even when we returned as a married couple. The day we returned from Vegas I knew our friendships were over, literally the moment we landed, Ms. C un-friended me from Facebook and an hour later so did Ms. N. So much for my idea that they still wanted to be my friend.

I admit to be broken-hearted, but know to move on. I have to understand that these women chose not to be my friend and that they probably never were. I believe that they are this way because they have unhappy, unfulfilled lives and choose to criticize others to make themselves feel like they are happy and fulfilled. Unfortunately I discovered it the hard way. What I take from this “break-up” is that to be unsupportive throughout the good and bad just means you cannot be a positive impact on a person. These ladies decided a long time ago that I was not the one for them and broke up with me. In the end, I hope that they do find happiness and fulfillment. As for myself, I am getting there…and moving on…as we all usually do after a horrible break up. I choose to meet people who I can be supportive to and bestow a positive impact on.

Excuse my absence…but we were busy getting married!!!

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Just wanted to apologize for my long absence. I was just a little bit busy…still am to be honest with you. I was preoccupied with quite a few events, predominantly with that tiny thing called my wedding. I am happy to say that we have made it through 21 days of wedded bliss. I hope to share more happy details in future blogs but just wanted to check in. I am ready to divulge the many thoughts I have about the many topics of love, because despite my absence, I have stored away many ideas to discuss with you all. I will tell you now, I am not limiting this blog discussing just my husband. I want to discuss several accounts of love through my experiences with family, friends, husband and ex-loves. I will probably start my first blog after this with the loss of a few loved ones, not by death thankfully, but the loss of girlfriends that have chosen to un-friend me. I admit to be broken-hearted, but know to move on. Loosing friends, one’s you thought were close, is like a horrible breakup. You ache for a long time and you sadly reminisce over the great times and analyze what went wrong and why it had to be this way. I want to cry because of these loses that happened, especially since it was at a time of my life that is happy, and I am very happy, I just can’t help but to feel a little grief over the loss/heartbreak or dare I say….BREAK UPS I have had with these girlfriends!!! But, life will move on and I will put those memories in a shoebox and continue to be a very happy Mrs.

Despite my anguish, I will choose to be happy with my two loves: my husband and Reo my Siberian Husky. I will continue to strive on the positive things and positive people who do surround me. These are the people I truly love and truly love me.

Love at first sight, the day i met my dog

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**This picture was taken the first week we had him**

Reo, my Siberian Husky, is the true love of my life. My fiancé would say I smother him, I say he’s jealous. It wasn’t until he entered my life that I felt real unconditional love. Everyday, I see it in his eyes and his woooh’s (he is a husky so he doesn’t actually bark…he howls like a wolf). It amazes me everyday the little things he does to show me he loves me, that I am his one and only true love, that he will never stray from me. I like to start this category with the first day I met him.

One day about two years ago, I came home from work. My fiancé (boyfriend at the time…I know I don’t need to make that clear, I just don’t want people thinking we’ve been engaged all this time…haha!!) told me he had spoken to a woman who is looking to re-home a one year old, black and white, Siberian Husky. Being a wonderful fiancé, he actually listened to me when I told him I always wanted a Husky. He remembered from a passing conversation we probably had a year and a half before. I was skeptical, I had never had a pet, I was just starting a new job, we had just moved into a neighborhood far from everything I knew, he was not getting much work, AND THE HOUSE WAS A MESS!!!! Basically, we were not equipped to take on a dog. Despite all of these conflicting situations, I agreed to meet the puppy. I told him we don’t actually need to take him home, if anything, we will think about it.

The next evening came and we went to meet this beautiful Husky named Dolce. Right away he came to greet us, jumping on us and giving us kisses. I would like to say it was love at first sight for him…he knew we were his mommy and daddy…he loved us so much already. It is amazing how quick they can love and give it out soo freely and unconditionally and NEVER take it back. Despite the greatness he was, we did go home just the two of us. We wanted to really think and decide whether or not Dolce was something we can handle and take on. It is a big responsibility to have a dog, could we handle it financially, physically, mentally? But we knew we loved him, we knew he had to take him home with us, we knew he was our baby.

The day before we went to get the new member of our family, we agreed that we would want to rename him. It was a difficult decision as he was already one year old and was used to his name, Dolce. But, we did not feel like it was appropriate for him, he did not look like a Dolce. At the time, the movie Rio about the blue macaw was coming out on DVD and my fiancé mentioned it would be a good name. I agreed, but I have this obsession with naming pets after food (although I never had a pet). Since he was a black and white husky I felt we should name him Oreo but I loved Rio. So we tweaked it a bit and ended up naming him Reo!!!

It was a Sunday evening and we made our journey back to Reo, scared as hell, and took him home. Although we had many reservations and Reo was trying to understand where he was, we wanted so badly for this relationship to work. That is when the adventure began…

Love at first sight was something I never believed in…until I met Reo. How is it possible to lay your eyes on someone for the first time and know you are to love them for the rest of your life. I do not think this is something that can be explained, it just happens. Love is a tricky thing. Embrace it, enjoy it, and love it for all its worth. Trust me, you will not regret it.

Keeping this on a Love note <3

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I started this blog to discuss the many experiences I have personally gone through, and a few from others I know, while dating and being in a committed relationship. At first, I have to admit, Happily Undating came about after a HUGE fight with my fiancé which was then followed by another one a few days later almost breaking up our engagement. Although my first posting was “Starting this on a love note <3"; I wanted so badly to express my anger, but opted for a happier post.

Lately I have been reading posts that focus on helping people be successful in all aspects of their lives. This has inspired me to slightly adjust my blog and continue to focus on the positive. Sure, I will probably share some heartbreaking stories and some cynical stories. But, I hope to reach out to at least one person who finds that they are making these same mistakes and I hope they choose to take the positive route.

So, to keep this on a love note, I hope to end every post on a positive note even after the sad stories. I have even tweaked my About section to focus more on the positive. Dating is supposed to be full of fun and falling in love is supposed to be a wonderful experience. I do not want to take either of these experiences away from anybody. Sometimes there are bad days, sometimes there are good days. And let me tell you, the good SURPASSES all of the bad if you are sharing it with the right person.

Let it all go, fall in love and be in love, there is nothing like it!!!

To have a Facebook relationship status or not to have a Facebook relationship status

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I struggle with the decision to post my relationship status on Facebook quite often. I am not an active user of Facebook and I currently do not have this section filled-in, nor do I have my hometown, current town, work, education or contact info filled-in. But, I find myself battling with this particular update on my page. I have, too often, gone into that infamous “Relationship Status” pull-down and chosen “In a relationship”. I continue to sit and think about it and tell myself “Just click save, it’s the truth and you should want everyone to know” but then the battle begins and I argue with myself by saying “You never updated it before, why now? It is nobody’s business whether you are in a relationship. If you post it now, it will create too many unnecessary questions. Don’t do it”. So, I cancel and leave it blank.

When did it become so important to announce anything and everything on a website. I feel so much pressure to update this status, to announce my engagement, to post my so-called joy to everybody. Sure, I’ll post pics (mostly to have an external memory in case something happens to my laptop), sometimes I check-in at certain events (like taking my sweet baby Reo to the South Florida Pet Expo then to the dog park), harmless I would say. But, I ask myself while writing this post, “Am I a hypocrite? I have basically announced my engagement in every post in my blog”. Then, I remember I have only told 4 people about this blog and they do not follow me, know where to find me, and 3/4 of them barely know what a blog is.

Sometimes I feel I will update my status once I am married and that should be enough. But, again, I start to feel the pressure…over one website page asking my relationship status! Why is it relevant to post this if I never had before? Then, again, I tell myself “Oh my God, I need to calm down, it’s just Facebook.”

So, for now, I choose to leave my relationship status blank…while continuing to actually be in one. Maybe one day my Facebook family will know my relationship status (if they don’t know already). Meanwhile, I will limit my announcement to you guys, fellow bloggers, readers, strangers and the unknowns. I am happy to share this with you because you are the only one’s I trust with this information. “I AM ENGAGED” thank you for celebrating with me.

Secret engagement…let’s just elope already!!!

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It seems that there is a trend of secret engagements around me. Nothing is traditional anymore and I am all too happy to be associated with this some-what common untraditional society. No he did not get down on one knee, he did not have a ring and he did not have a speech prepared declaring his undying love for me. Which is very sweet and romantic, but let’s face it, this approach is not necessarily everyone’s style.

After years of talking about our future just in passing, I finally sat him down and started discussing how I wanted to get married, have a family, and despite the recent problems we were having and trying to fix, I needed to know that we were really moving on and moving forward. But, before I was able to finish my sentence, he sat on the couch, looked up at the ceiling and said “that is soo funny you say that, I was walking down this long pathway today and was thinking about when we should get married” (pointing out he was imagining us “walking down the aisle”). Of course this was exactly what I wanted to hear. So, we continued the conversation knowing we wanted to get married, that we wanted to have children and that we probably would be married already if certain situations in our 4 year relationship had gone a different path (like buying a house to nest in, moving to another city together for a job opportunity for one of us). But none of those happened so getting married was put on hold. As a conclusion to our conversation, we amicably felt we knew what we wanted; so, he went to his home office and I continued to clean the house. Then it hit me, wait, are we engaged then? So, I tip-toe my way towards him (I don’t know why I was scared) and asked him “so, does this mean we are engaged?” and he said “I thought we had been this whole time”. It turns out, my secret engagement was even a secret from me!!!!

I can say I am a proud member of the secret-society of secret engagements and we are officially engaged (oops!!! that was suppose to be a secret). We are not completely hiding our engagement by telling absolutely no one but we are not telling everybody. I told my sister and nephew, mom and dad and a hand-full of close friends, all the people who understand me and understand that there will not be a traditional ceremony and reception. The same people who WILL NOT be upset about it. He told his sister, mom and dad and a hand full of close friends as well (although, I believe the barber is not a close friend, but he told him and happen to get advice as to where I should get my wedding dress…awkwardly cute). A few days after “our announcement”, his mom sent him an email asking if he would be O.K. with her telling his aunts and uncles and he responded by telling her it would be fine but, not to make it into a big deal. When he told me this, I sent my mom a text and asked if she had told anybody. She told me she may or may not tell anybody and advised me to wait until after we get married so that nobody gets offended that they were not invited to our wedding. So, on goes our secret engagement.

After considering all of our options on how to get married without the big production, it came down to our version of eloping. Yes, we are going to Vegas!!! We booked our vacation/wedding (flight, hotel, even chapel) without telling anybody and without putting them in consideration, after all, it is OUR wedding, it is a secret engagement and we are some-what eloping. After we confirmed our booking, we then told our select few and said “if you can make it, great. If not, don’t worry about it”. Untraditional here we come…secret engagement will soon be over…but, it will definitely not be a secret marriage.

On continuing this tradition, my fiancé and I were having dinner with a close family friend of mine and his girlfriend last night. About 45 minutes into our dinner, she hints to me about looking at wedding dresses…next thing you know she asks him “have you told her yet”. So, just imagine my excitement, and he tells me they have decided to get married this year. Like us, they sat down, had a nice long discussion and decided they wanted to get married. They tell us the speech I had given them just 3 1/2 months ago that they are not telling anybody except close family and friends and they will probably have a quick little ceremony without the big production. WOO HOO!!! SECRET ENGAGEMENTS!!! Welcome to the club my dear friends!!!

I do not want to take away from the excitement and tradition of engagements and weddings. I am not encouraging anyone to agree and join our ways of getting married. I genuinely love hearing that someone is engaged and I will participate in every shower, party etc…that comes with their engagement. As for me, I simply want to get married, start a family and not prolong the process anymore. My dream is to be able to marry the love of my life in the simplest way possible and it gives me much pleasure to be able to announce one day to everyone “oh by the way, we got married”.

So, shhhhh…I’m engaged, just don’t tell anybody please.

Undating…what does this mean?

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When I named my blog Happily Undating, I admit I had no idea there was this revolution of undating. I honestly named it this because I knew I wanted to share my thoughts on the topics of love, dating, and all the wonderful and messy things in between; but, I wanted to make it clear that I was NOT dating and that I am in fact engaged…hence, my interpretation of undating.

I did a little research on the concept of “undating”. I learned that it is basically two people choosing to accompany each other on several outings but not labeling their union during this arrangement. From my understanding, they are getting to know each other, finding out if they are compatible and seeking a potential soul mate with that other person. If it works out…great!!! If it does not work out…on to the next undating partner. This undating approach, to my belief, is the step before making this unlabeled union official, and allowing it to become an actual relationship. It may just be me, but isn’t that the definition of dating someone? After a little investigating, I found that the definition of the word dating is two people engaging in social outings with romantic intentions. I do not want to be a pessimist and say it is the same thing…but isn’t it?

I guess I can understand why people hate to put a label on any sort of arrangement they may have with another person. It took me almost a year after my fiancé moved in with me to admit he was my boyfriend. Again, if it works out you end up in a committed relationship. If it does not work out, well, that’s why you didn’t want to label it in the first place right? We’ve all been there, so I will support anyone’s choice to undate.